Why "Unintentional"?

Thanks for coming back. You might be asking yourself... "Why unintentional?" Well, I'll tell you. Right after a story.

Way back in the 80's (for those of you that are agely-challenged, that's the era BEFORE Kurt Cobain), this would-be-blogger was busy trying to make herself into something she wasn't. Not knowing WHAT she was, however, seemed to cloud the issue. So, I ask you, what was popular? The career woman. That strong, confident, beautiful woman with her short-skirt-suit, pulled back hair, and attitude bigger than Dallas, fully meaning to break through that glass ceiling without a scratch. I was, as they say, determined to conquer it all. Fashion was the name of my game, and I intended to make sure that I used my creativity in a way that would afford me trips to exotic places, meetings with wonderfully fashionable people, and a high-rise that sat in New York City waiting for me to come home to. Oh yeah- and great shoes at a discount.

That, however, is where it ended. After the dream. As my former adviser called it, Fashion Merchandising was the major for the "woefully uninformed". We all thought we'd be glamorous and fantastic... we ended up as an Assistant Manager at a decent retail outlet with only the goal of moving into a manager position looming in front of us. Not... cool.

After suffering the time period of my life I now call "the emotional desert" (notice there is only one "s"), I ended up going back to school for a graduate degree. Some soul searching later, I ended up in a career that my life acquaintances call "a natural match" for me. A counselor. And I am still on that career path today. It wasn't easy to switch tracks in such a big way, but my supposed career mind wouldn't allow me to see anything but those tracks.

Now, for the "unintentional" part. Throughout this time of determining and reforming myself, deep down I didn't care that much about any of it. I figured I was supposed to work toward a goal, and quite honestly- it mostly came easy to me. I was on a CAREER PATH (if there was a certain TA-DAH! font to use on that I would), and since nothing in my personal life was really going well, dammit, I was going to make my professional life my only priority. And it worked.

I had no personal life. I denied the fact that I wanted one, even to myself sometimes. I was not happy with my looks, and as women that seems to be paramount sometimes in determining our self-worth. And here's where experts seem to get it wrong... "self esteem" is not an overarching constant- it is not at the same level across your life. I was able to be pretty confident in my professional life, while being content to let my personal life wither away. In other words (and here's the moral of the story), I put all of my energy into my career because I did not have the confidence to put any into personal matters and relationships.

And it worked! For a while. Funny thing about success in only one area of your life though- eventually the part you've been suppressing leaks out and demands attention. Your psyche no longer forgets that there's a hole there- a need arises in your soul to start evening the playing field.

Eventually, I did- but after stumbling quite a few times. As you'll read in my "Late Bloomer Diaries" coming soon, life showed me a door and I finally walked through it. It brought me more frustration and heartache than I ever wanted, and eventually it also brought me more happiness than I ever thought possible. But the thing that I had put in motion so many years ago, my career, is still demanding attention and motivation and WORK!

But wait! I say. I never really cared about this! I always just wanted this wonderful love and family and personally fulfilling life- I was never really a climber! I don't even care if there IS a glass ceiling!

However, it's not in my poker hand to be able to concentrate solely on that one facet. I have a good career, that I mostly enjoy, and a wonderful husband and daughter that make life worth living. I am a Career Mom, for better or worse, and these musings are some of the trials and tribulations that I encounter while trying to find the balance I crave between the two.